Guardian Digital Announces New Firewall Product

    Date01 Apr 2005
    CategoryFirewalls
    10028
    Posted ByBrittany Day
    Guardian Digital, Inc., a leader in open source security products, today announced the release of a new firewall product that will revolutionize internet security as we know it, forever.

    Guardian Digital CEO Dave Wreski explains, "Our new product works differently from most other firewalls on the market, which can possibly allow dangerous packets into protected networks. Our technical wizards realized that all virus, worm, and malware authors use dangerous 'zeroes' in their binary code, therefore our new firewall product blocks all 'zeroes' while allowing the friendly, useful 'ones' through."

    Some software that needs to traverse the new firewall will need to be rewritten solely using ones in their binary code, eliminating any use of the dangerous zeroes. "We believe this is a necessary change, and the programming time required to rewrite applications to use only ones will be offset by the halving of bandwidth usage gained by dropping the extremely dangerous zeroes at the firewall." says Wreski.

    Other analysts note that eliminating zeroes will cut the complexity of most software in half, gaining savings in both disk space and memory usage, as well as maintainability. "Why didn't someone think of this sooner?" asks famed security analyst April Q. Phoolenstein. "I never trusted those zeroes in the first place, looking around with their beady little eyes. It's simply about time we got rid of them."

    The new firewall works by creating a virtual net to filter packets through. "The ones, being skinnier, fit through the holes in the net, while the dastardly zeroes are caught and quarantined." explains Wreski. "The only user maintenance required will be to remove the hopper containing the zeroes occasionally and dispose of them in an environmentally safe manner, by flushing them down the toilet."

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